I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize