He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
