I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
