i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
