he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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