I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize