Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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