I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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