not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
