This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize