I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
