part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
