I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
