If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
