omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
