I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The best revenge is premature balding
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
