U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
