woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
