Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
