I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
