i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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