Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The ass gains better be worth it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
