make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
