I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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