the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
