you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
