I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
