I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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