I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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