i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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