i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
