Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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