Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
