we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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