a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
