Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
