wat bout pragnant strippers??
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
