The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
