take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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