I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
