never play flip cup with pint glasses
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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