i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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