How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
