Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
