Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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