I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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