Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
