you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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