if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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