I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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