I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
