i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
