Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
