I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
