Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
