I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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